


Finding the right reasons

by BeautyQueen2222



Series: Love Survives Walking Dead+Supernatural Oneshots [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Always Keep Fighting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Contemplation of Suicide, Depression, Established Sam Winchester/Reader, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hunter-reader, Hurts So Good, If you're depressed seek help :(, Mentions of other characters - Freeform, No Smut, Protective Sam Winchester, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sad Talk, Sad and Happy, Sadness, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Sam Winchester/You - Freeform, Slight spoiler if you know what to look for, Supernatural - Freeform, Vent Work, angsty, mentions of contemplating suicide, nobody dies i promise, smut free
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:14:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29676150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautyQueen2222/pseuds/BeautyQueen2222
Summary: Being a hunter is exhausting in all ways possible, including mentally. Being a part of team free will adds on another mental toll that no one should have to bear alone. Some days are worse than others. Today was one of those days for you.
Relationships: Sam Winchester/You
Series: Love Survives Walking Dead+Supernatural Oneshots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1931158





	Finding the right reasons

I woke up this morning with every molecule of my being begging to stay there. Normally every day, I can wake up and find something to push me but today was one of those days where everything felt pointless. Even living feels pointless, saving people feels pointless. I sat in bed for a moment thinking maybe if I sit and think of a few reasons or maybe if I can remember some uplifting quote to pull me out of bed. Those positive thoughts felt weak compared to negative ones that hammered against my skull and forced tears out of my eyes.    
  
Those thoughts only grew darker and far more depressive than I’d like to admit. Thoughts ranging from questioning why I hunt to questioning my own existence.    
  
It felt cruel, being forced to live in a world you didn’t ask to be apart of and all for what? God’s sick amusement, because he was bored? We’re only barbie dolls in his oversized playhouse and all we can do is fight for our lives and the lives of others and pray it has some difference. Pray that maybe God will let up on the cruelty just a bit and let us get a win worth living for. It’s tiring and it all feels so fucking redundant.    
  
I knew then that despite having to work a case with Sam, I couldn’t do it today. My instability would be no good on the field and I needed a day or so to try to gather some sort of motivation to live because unknownst to them all. I was only a blade away from slitting my wrist or taking some pills to send myself to heaven or hell. Whichever was accepting, I just didn’t want to be here anymore and I felt despite having a family that loves me nothing was keeping me here anymore. They’d move on and be fine, they’d have to be.    
  
While wallowing in my self-loathing I had yet to realize that I was actually crying. It wasn’t until I brought myself back to earth that I felt that hot tears going down my face onto the pillow making cold puddles. I wiped my eyes carelessly and grabbed my phone, having absolutely zero willpower to get up and speak to Sam face to face, he was just going to have to take a call.    
  
I wait for a second, thinking if maybe I should let him know the truth or feed him some bullshit excuse that we both know is a lie but go with it anyways. I knew Sam knew me pretty well and he could tell if there was something wrong with me. But he has other people to worry about, plus, I wasn’t going to put a halt on production because I was drained of all serotonin and didn’t feel like being a living, breathing functioning member of society because it felt useless.    
  
Not being able to really think or come up with an excuse. I decided to just call Sam and tell him I wasn’t feeling good today. I just had to pray he would take that and leave it alone because he’s too be busy to question it or maybe chock it up to me being on my period or something. I didn’t feel like explaining or being lectured about life being amazing or being told I had so much to live for. Right now it all seemed like bullshit and I wasn’t gonna be talked out of it.    
  
“Hello?” Sam answered calmly.    
  
“Yea, it’s me,” I answer flatly. “Listen, I’m just not feeling it today, you can have somebody else run the case with you. I’ll run like 4 hunts with you later and I’ll do check-in today to make up for it.” I told him tiredly.    
  
“Yea, yea okay. Do you need me to come by and check on you?” He asked sounding a bit surprised. “I can just reassign the hunt to Bobby and Mary so I can help you-” He suggested before I interrupted.    
  
“No, no, no, Sam….” I sighed, I knew I couldn’t be upset at him, he was only being himself, he’s kind and caring in nature. Of course, when his girlfriend tells him she isn’t feeling well he is allowed to be concerned. “I’ll be fine, go on the hunt with someone else and check in with me later when you can,” I told him.   
  
“You sure?” He asked again, and just like that, I was second-guessing it. I knew I deep down. I shouldn’t go through this alone and what I may have needed was comfort and somebody to listen to me. But again I felt as though if I did I’d be the biggest burden on Sam.   
  
Sam was a leader now, the leader I always knew him to be. He had other people to watch after and take care of, as well as other dire things to cater to other than me and my self-loathing. Guilt would very well eat away at me for taking him away from that. “Y...Yes, I’m sure….” I say hoping he couldn’t sense the hesitation in my voice.   
  
“Alright,” He said simply. “I’ll uh, call you when I get a chance.” He replied.    
  
“Okay, thanks, I love you.” I reminded him softly.   
  
“I love you, too.” He told me and hung up.    
  
I sighed softly feeling relieved that he didn’t question it too much and let it go almost instantly. However, I forgot that a Winchester wasn’t one to give in so easily. Especially when it came down to people they cared about. Sam wasn’t going to let that go and deep down inside I knew that. But right now I just enjoyed my alone time in the dark as I tried to search through all the dark thoughts with one good thought to pull me back to the light. It was hard because every thought that I believed to be good enough to help me bounce back.   
  
My train of thought was interrupted by the sound of a knock on my door. I sighed softly as I hesitantly got up and put on Sam’s shirt to cover myself since I was only wearing a sport’s bra and briefs to bed. I answered the door and there stood Sam. “Bobby and Mary were happy to take the trip.” He told me as he walked into my room and sat down on the bed. “You don’t look sick, so I assume this is about something else.” He inferred.    
  
  
“For all you know I could be on my period,” I muttered and laid down on the bed and curled up.    
I could feel Sam rolling his eyes at me with a bit of amusement. “You do know that I know the exact day when your period comes on right? I track it so I can be here for you when you need me.” He said sitting on the other side of the bed and taking off his shoes.    
  
I did in fact know that. Sam and I had gotten into a little argument about him not being able to balance out having time for me and time for his group. Normally, I didn’t complain about it because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. But I was on my period that week and my emotions were running at an all-time high. All I wanted at the moment was to cuddle with Sam and watch a movie with a heating pad on my stomach. But I couldn’t have that because Sam was taking care of the group as he should. I know he didn’t mean to make me feel that way, he just got busy and I couldn’t handle feeling like I was second priority.    
  
After that little tussie, Sam and I agreed on making time for each other. On Saturdays and Sundays we would spend time together and the week my period started he would stay away from hunts and do little work so he could help me because my cramps were bad the first few days. So of course he knew I was lying.    
  
“I just know I’m not in a good enough place to be out in the field.” I mumbled with a shrug.”I would be distracted and put you in danger. You need me attentive and focused when I’m out there and I know for a fact I am not.” I told him while I hugged a pillow.    
  
“Then tell me, Y/n what is it that’s on your mind?” He asked wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing my cheek gently.    
  
Feeling the comfort I knew I needed, made me feel all the overwhelming sadness bubbling up rapidly. Tears gathered in the brims of my eyes and I turned around. I ended up sobbing into his chest uncontrollably as he held me close and rubbed my back, letting me cry my heart out. Eventually, I stopped crying and I sat there trying together my thoughts.    
  
Sam patiently sat with me and held me the entire time. Not questioning me or pushing me further until I was ready to speak. “I have….high functioning depression.” I started to explain. “I can...Do what I need to. I can hunt, research, or do whatever is asked of me. But I don’t do it as efficiently as I like. I sleep the day away and still feel like I haven’t gotten enough sleep and sometimes I have episodes like these where I don’t even see the worth in getting up to fight the bad guys...Let alone wake up at all….” I whispered.    
  
“Tell me what’s on your mind..” He whispered as he caressed my cheek. “I can’t guarantee that I can make it all go away. Given our way of living, I don’t blame you for having those thoughts. Sometimes I have them too- the thoughts of doubt I mean.” He clarified and he let out a breathy laugh. “Tell me what your thoughts are…”    
  
I wiped my eyes and looked Sam in the eyes. “Every day we wake up, we do deep searching for cases. We do our best to save people, people who don’t even know monsters exist. I feel bad for them. But at the end of the day...Sometimes it’s hard to see the difference it makes in the world.”I say honestly as I shook my head. “We travel countrywide saving all these people….It feels so good. Then I remember that there are more of them out there lurking in the shadows. Skinwalkers, Ghouls, Djinn, Demons- Vampires and Werewolves for fuck sake…” I laughed sarcastically, shaking my head in a dismissive manner. “There doesn’t seem to be a purpose to fighting unless you plan on killing the source directly. Then on top of that, there are the supposed “good guys” who aren’t good guys anymore. Angels and Gods have their own agenda and some were never good from the start...It makes me wonder why….Why make humans, demons, monsters, and angels and pin them all against each other? For fun? If that’s God’s idea of fun then I just….” I paused to look Sam in the eyes. I could see that he knew what I was going to say and those words were hurting him more before they could come out.    
  
“No, no don’t stop...It’s okay.” He said wiping his eyes. “Go ahead and say it. It’s fine.” He told me while nodding.    
  
“I just feel better off dead….” I whispered while tearing up. “Where I don’t have to wonder if one life I saved made a difference versus the thousands of lives lost in that moment. I don’t have to play God’s sick game of life with a hand of cards that change every time I think I know my deck well.” I sobbed. “Where I don’t have to wonder if the next time we step out if someone dies on my watch or If you will walk through the door again. I don’t have to wonder if our efforts to try to get Dean back are working...I can just live ignorantly in bliss even if I’m reliving the same moments. At least…” I breathed and shook my head. “At the very least, the next day isn’t an anxiety-inducing question mark anymore.”    
  
Sam hugged me tighter and let me cry into his shoulder a second time. The one thing I appreciated most, is that he didn’t shame me for my thoughts or scold me. Sam Winchester, my boyfriend simply held me and let me talk.    
  
Sam sat up, pulling me into his lap as I continued to cry more. Patting my head gently he didn’t tell me to stop crying but instead, he encouraged me to continue and let as much of it out as possible. “I don’t know what God had in mind when he made things the way they were. We asked him and it seemed like he was too busy playing God in books to give us an actual answer.” He told me. “God basically told me and Dean that it was fate that we give ourselves up to Lucifer and Michael for some great war. It was fate, it was supposed to be set in stone but we changed that because the only fate there is the one that you make for yourself. It’s not set in stone, it can change….I remember when I was at Standford I used to think the same thing...People die all the time why should it be my job to save them? Then once I finally got back in I started to see why we did it. When things got bad I started finding the reasons. Every person who is a hunter started out the same way. We either had a run-in with death because of a monster or because it runs in the family. It’s a job we don’t get paid for and something, not a lot come back from. But to see the people we save, claim their life back in a way we never got to is rewarding. Especially when they are children. They witness their nightmares become real and some of them still grow up to become amazing people who overcome the experience and live a pretty decent life.” Sam gave me a small smile. “I uh- don’t tell anybody this but,” He looked around sighed a bit before looking back at me.”It helps to check in with the people you saved. That’s what I do when I feel my hope start to twindle.”I see where they are, what they’re doing. Sometimes they don’t always get so lucky and become a hunter or just themselves lost, unable to cope and recover. As unfortunate as it is, but not everyone gesso lucky. Regardless, a lot of people find new purpose in life.” He informed me and just as he did for me, wordlessly I listened respectfully. Taking his words into consideration. “You know, after you hunt, kill and save. You don’t think about that because it’s part of the job to save. So it’s just part of the package no questions asked. Just as it’s a surgeon’s job to perform successful surgeries to the best of their abilities. But when you take a moment to look back to see what becomes of the life you saved it makes a difference. Just like us, they don’t know what fate may have had planned. However, they may have changed it and made a difference in the world.” He whispered to me and kissed my forehead softly. “Heaven is…It’s a constant replay of all your good memories in your life. I’m not sure which place lies ahead for me, heaven or hell. I’d like to think for my troubles God would save me a little slice of heaven. I do know we’ve made a lot of mistakes, we’ve lost a lot and it seems like it’s one evil after the next with no days off. But there are some moments like when I take my weekends with you that remind me why I keep living and fighting. More memories for heaven, more moments to relive when I get up there. I live for those moments, they are worth living for.” He told me.    
  
The more I listened to him talk, I won’t say the better I felt because I wasn’t feeling better instantaneously. I felt as though I was in a huge pillow fort that had collapsed and slowly Sam was pulling off the pillows with soothing words and actions. It certainly did something to make breathing a little easier than it was before.    
  
“Why haven’t you done it yet?” Sam asked in a hushed whisper as tears formed in his eyes. “Certainly, there is nothing keeping you here. Think on those moments where you had the chance to….W-why didn’t you?” He asked.    
  
“I think about how you, Jack or Castiel would have had to find me like that. You suffered enough losses and I didn’t want to be one of them…It hurt to think about you at my funeral….” I told him shaking my head.    
  
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, whenever you...feel depressed and you have those thoughts...Let me know so I can be there and talk you through them….” He reached into the bedside table and pulled out a journal. “This is a list of a few people I saved, the ones that really stuck with me. I check in every now and again to see how their life is. It gives me reasons to live...To give others a chance to live a life they can be happy with…” He said going through them. “I add names every chance I get and this can be between us… Every day that we come back from a hunt you write down their names, age. Ask them what they do for a living or what they want to do for a living, the phone number then a year later call back to see what’s changed since the hunt. You can even write down every good memory you have no matter what it is in the journal as well. So when you hit these lows you have personal reasons to see you through it. In fact, when you have those moments you let me know so I can sit with you or call you so we can talk through those good moments together. Talk about the good things people have done since we’ve saved.”    
  
I nodded as I stayed tuned in to his every word. I take the notebook from his hand and grabbed a pen deciding to give it a try now. I didn’t have much else to lose from taking Sam’s suggestions. I didn’t have a therapist or anybody else to really turn to so I found myself sitting in Sam’s lap as I began to write down all the moments no matter how big or small, that made me feel glad that I was alive to witness them. Since I didn’t have the names of the people I saved instead for the first time I would write down my reasons to live in substitution. Soon I finished and looked up to Sam once I finished, I felt better now that I see the reasons I had clearly without thoughts to distort them.    
  
“Can I see what you came up with so we can talk about it?” He asked cautiously and I gave him a small smile as I nodded. I handed him the journal as I put the pen back on the nightstand before settling back into Sam’s lap and nuzzling my head into his chest to listen to his heartbeat.    
  
Once Sam had finished reading what I wrote he gently lifted my chin and kissed me with immense passion. “You listed me as one of your top 10 reasons for living....I feel honored and I want you to know….” He smiled as he flipped to the very beginning of the book and showed me that he had made a similar list to mine in a- somewhat different formatting. But I was in his top 10 list as well which made me smile a lot more and for the first time that morning, the tears I cried were tears of joy.    
  
I knew that as much as Sam wished he could take away my pain just as much as I wish to take away his. We both knew that this wasn’t something I could make go away when I wanted it to. I knew he wasn’t always going to have all the answers, but he will always try his best. Some days I will feel like a burden. I may even have days where I regret having even said anything about my mental condition. But through and through we would see each other through it. I had reasons to live and memories to make with my family Sam and I promised to help each other realize it on days where it felt useless and that’s what we did from that day forward. 


End file.
